Will you, won't you tell me the answer?
No. I have to figure it out myself.
Asking is something I'm learning. From my father I learned to ask challenging and direct questions. At 22 my best friend asked "Why are you always trying to prove yourself?"
I learned from my dad that I better be able to defend anything I had to say or not say it. When push came to shove I tended to leave or challenge. He abhorred "just getting along".
For years I wrestled with the question: "What kind of person gives her child up for adoption?" Last year I awakened in blogland to the twist, "What kind of person takes another mother's baby?"
It's evolved to, "What kind of person makes their desire for a baby more important than that baby's desire for it's mother?"
But, IRL I don't bring up these questions that roll around in my head. They are challenging. They are rude. I don't want to expose my vulnerability of being the mother that lost her baby in that context.
They point out a habit of being ornery, of asking questions that put others on the defensive. Questing for answers, proof.
REquesting, asking for information, inquiring is a habit I would like to cultivate. Can my interest and caring go beyond self protection?
That is what I am asking the universe for right now. Please help me to trust myself enough to ask without defense. To remember that we are all doing the best we can with what we know right now.
"Right and wrong
Right and wrong
Never helped us get along"
-Tenderness by Paul Simon