Monday, February 12, 2007

Before Blogland

Reflecting on two things: 1) what Joy said about our relationship improving all the time and 2)how I depended on her so much through our reunioning which I referred to in my last post.

I had one opportunity to talk to another mother about ten years ago, but I froze like a deer in the headlights.

It happened while attending a workshop focused on healing and attuning to Spirit.

What came up for me at that time was judgment I'd held against myself for my relationship with Joy's father and getting pregnant by him. I'd been refused birth control by a private OB/GYN and by Planned Parenthood because I was under age. What was I thinking? Didn't I know where I was headed?

Not entirely. I had premonitions. But I didn't see options back then.

It's easy to look back and see how I allowed myself to go into the situation for several reasons. I got some affection, some love, some comfort and a whole lot of pain. Ok.

So that's what I did, but it's not who I am. I came to the end of the workshop with a sense of relief and increased openness towards myself. As we were saying our goodbyes, a woman approached me to say she had also lost a child to adoption and offered me her card in case I ever wanted to talk.

I was shocked. I took her card. I kept her card through a couple of moves. I never contacted her. I threw the card away when so much time had passed I didn't think she'd remember me if I did figure out how to say hello.

Now I am asking myself why was I so blocked that I couldn't take this woman's offering of understanding and compassion? Why did I cling to the illusion that I should (I'm thinking of you Suz) handle this "on my own"?

Why am I still asking myself this question? I may hate "whys" almost as much as I hate "shoulds".

But there may be value in the why was I so blocked. Not really in the why, but what is/was that block? And how do I get it out of me? Can I relax and let myself be?

It almost seems like a big boxed refrigerator sitting inside me. Big, hard and cold. I wasn't supposed to feel grief. Time had passed. I had made a successful life. Everyone thought I was "fine". And I was so afraid to contaminate my precious children with all that stored waste. It wasn't me that had suffered anyway. I just gave my child away for adoption. I had two more children now. How could I be so selfish as to be upset about my loss of my firstborn? I wasn't deserving of her.

At least I had provided a deserving family with a healthy white infant. And Joy was certainly better off not having been held down by my inabilities. Now I did have a sense that perhaps my daughter would have benefitted from knowing something of me, just because she was likely somewhat like me. But I felt I was screwing that up too. I hadn't even owned the word reunion yet. I said we were in contact.

About 5 or 6 years ago, Joy said something about how she and I could help each other because we were the only ones that knew what was going on with us. We could talk to each other about the things no one else wanted to hear about. I opened up to some grief that scared me. It's been crazy at times. But I think we've come through a lot. Accepting her pain and mine has been my greatest challenge.


chez said...

I love it that you're here J, together with Joy.
It must be so very hard to have your lives aired out in public - but I know it helps me to understand the crap that rolls around in my head!
No one gave out books on how to deal with the aftermath of the disaster known as 'adoption' - but having you here really does help me cope a little better every day.
Sending you big hugs, C. xxx

suz said...

wow. yeah. huh. i get so much of this yet my experience was so many years later.

Nina said...

Being Me,

You give me a little hope that my mother will also get in touch with her pain because she is very cut off from her least around me. I'm trying to process the fact that she showed absolutely no emotion. When I read your post, it occurred that she may be so numbed out or terrified. But she's 83 so I'm not sure if it's possible for her to reconnect with her sorrow. But you've helped me in trying to see the other side, from her point of view. Thank you.

Andie D. said...

Wow. Here from Kim.

Nina and I have similar experiences with our mothers apparently. I am constantly looking for answers as to why my mother is unable to talk about adoption with me. Anything to do with it. God forbid, her FEELINGS about the whole thing. I ache with feelings about the whole thing.

And she's the one person in this entire world who has a share in those feelings. I want to know hers, and I want her to know mine.

Thanks for giving me a potential glimpse into her world.