Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Helter Skelter

Will you, won't you tell me the answer?

No. I have to figure it out myself.

Asking is something I'm learning. From my father I learned to ask challenging and direct questions. At 22 my best friend asked "Why are you always trying to prove yourself?"
I learned from my dad that I better be able to defend anything I had to say or not say it. When push came to shove I tended to leave or challenge. He abhorred "just getting along".

For years I wrestled with the question: "What kind of person gives her child up for adoption?" Last year I awakened in blogland to the twist, "What kind of person takes another mother's baby?"

It's evolved to, "What kind of person makes their desire for a baby more important than that baby's desire for it's mother?"

But, IRL I don't bring up these questions that roll around in my head. They are challenging. They are rude. I don't want to expose my vulnerability of being the mother that lost her baby in that context.

They point out a habit of being ornery, of asking questions that put others on the defensive. Questing for answers, proof.

REquesting, asking for information, inquiring is a habit I would like to cultivate. Can my interest and caring go beyond self protection?


That is what I am
asking the universe for right now. Please help me to trust myself enough to ask without defense. To remember that we are all doing the best we can with what we know right now.

"Right and wrong
Right and wrong
Never helped us get along"
-Tenderness by Paul Simon

6 comments:

Third Mom said...

"What kind of person makes their desire for a baby more important than that baby's desire for it's mother?"

Challenging, yes. Rude, no.

Thank you for raising it. I know it will be food for much thought for me.

Erika said...

this is a great post. i think the sheer fact that it's now 2007 and in north america natural parents are only beginning to open a dialogue or rather trying to open one speaks volumes. While the Industry tries to sell adoption as a loving choice, the fact when i tell ppl i lost a child to adoption makes them go quiet makes you really think.this has more to do with the insatiable desire for babies and the struggle to really address these nagging questions.if i come across rude it's unfortunate.but i think it was more than rude to decide i'm not allowed to have a say, or think or feel or grieve about my own baby.if we dont ask questions, we'll never learn.it's not about being justified or right for me,it's wanting to teach the masses that there are fundamental key problems to adoption.the reactions and responses i get tell more about their agenda and their need to be right at any cost.

kim.kim said...

What makes a family allow one of it's members to be sent away?

What an insane concept, sending a family member away, not taking care of your own.

Fucking insane.

We were just insane.


Mind you, my family almost destroyed my spirit. It's never just black and white is it.

Joy said...

You make really great posts.

momseekingpeace said...

Hmmmm nice post.
I have the same sorta fears about asking those questions, sometimes I step up and sometimes I shrink back.
I feel better when I step up but i'm not always in a place to do it.
MSP

momseekingpeace said...
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