Monday, February 05, 2007

Balancing Act

Struggling to accept myself, my actions and my situation. I am doing so much better. And as Joy reminded me recently, I am always doing the best I can given what I know at the time.

Aren't we all?

But I screwed up again! After reading (and listening to) Kim's repeated and beautiful explanations of how reunion needs to be about the adoptee, I fell off the wagon again. I went into blaming myself and feeling shameful and victimized. Then when she's picking me up and dusting me off again, I just have to go and shoot for more of what I want.

God bless me. I am shoveling the manure and I will find the pony here.

Cue Van Morrison singing "When will I ever learn to live in God? When will I ever learn?"

The good news about me sticking my foot in my mouth is that I have a bit more understanding of what she is dealing with. Not only is she balancing her son and ex husband, me and my family, her adopted family and her first father and his family. She is also considering her adopted sibling's first family. She wants to be sure she doesn't do anything to jeopardize their relationship.

I'm getting a clearer picture of what she means by providing excellent customer service. I needed to know that.

But I wonder how much she needs it. How did she come to be the master fixer upper of these intersecting fates?

It reminds me of the competitions over who has it the hardest, first moms, adoptees, whoever. Maybe it varies depending on the particular situation. But right now I feel it has to go to the adoptee.

I feel so blessed to have her in my life.

"And up on the hillside its quiet
Where the shepherd is tending his sheep
And over the mountains and the valleys
The countryside is so green
Standing on the highest hill with a sense of wonder
You can see everything is made in God
Head back down the roadside and give thanks for it all

When will I ever learn to live in God?
When will I ever learn?
He gives me everything I need and more
When will I ever learn?"


momseekingpeace said...

Providing excellent customer service, lol I think that must be what it is like huh?

Im sure I have stuck my foot in my mouth a few times in reunion, sometimes its hard knowing what the "Right" thing is until after I realized maybe I did the wrong thing.

suz said...

how reunion needs to be about the adoptee

You know, I agree with this in practice but worry some may misunderstand it.

To me, I believe reunion is truly about both the mother and child BUT that needs are different and the areas we get support from our different.

We (moms) have very valid, justifiable, emotions to work through. Our needs should not get ignored or put on a back burners while we tend to the adoptees first and foremost. We need to find a way to help ourselves (usually through reading, therapy, other means of support) simultaneously without dumping on them or expecting their presence to ease the booboos.

Yes, its about the adoptee but its about us too and if we dont take care of ourselves and our stuff, what kind of role model are we for them?

Being Me said...

Suz -- So true. It took me a long time to recognize there was help available to me. The biggest hurdle was asking for help, acknowledging the need, after trying to go along with the lifetime of conditioning that I "should" just get over it. For a long while, Joy was the only one I talked to about it at all. Now there are other options. You are one! said...

I hope I didn't make you feel less than.

If my mum was like you I would be able to have her in my life.

I do believe it is about our children and not about us.

We have to be strong so that we can be there for them but that doesn't mean we deny our feelings, we just don't want to burden them and try to make them feel responsible for our healing.

I don't think you do that J.

We should never put our feelings aside but we should take them to other mums and work through them the best we can.

I make tons of mistakes with L. I am sure I do.

We all just do the best we can.

All of us love our sons and daughters, let's not be too hard on ourselves.

We are all doing the best we can.

Cheryl said...

Well said.