Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Well that last post had a lot of repercussions for me, to get out of the past, the uncovering, and move into what can I do now? How can I expand our relationship now?

Many years have gone by since what I last wrote about. My husband and I are moving forward integrating Joy's and my relationship. I talk about my feelings with him more, although I'm still a little guarded and protective. That's an area of responsibility that I am expanding in. I talk to Buster and Ezzy about Joy as much as they seem comfortable with, sometimes pushing their comfort zones. I got on My Space so they would have access to each other by being my "friends". The only other blood relative is my brother and for reasons beyond my current understanding he and I hardly see each other. I can't really include his kids at this point.

Reading many other people's blogs has helped me open up and claim my own reality and encouraged me to share it with Joy and everyone else in my life. Sometimes I am quite clumsy about it.

Sometimes my sensitivity seems to be limited to my feelings. Maybe more rather than less often that's been the case. I still hold out hope for me and my maturational process.

I am hoping to see Joy in April. I'll probaby go somewhere near where she lives. I don't know her preference yet and I want to do whatever she prefers, to the best of my ability.

I guess I just want any input anyone has on how to better go about this, to let her know as fully as possible that I do love her. Always have, always will.

I do. But it's more important to me that she experience being loved than that she recognize I love her. I know that she gets that from most of those of you that have left me (and her)comments. And that warms my heart too.

I am grateful for that which I am about to receive.


Being Me said...

Oh yay. I already remembered something. Quit trying so hard. Relax and let it happen. Peace be still.

Anonymous said...

I have been in awe of the way you work to build a relationship with Joy. I wouldn't change a thing, unless you feel in your heart it's the right thing to do.

Joy said...

Why wouldn't you give me my grandmother's portrait?

I really want to know that.

I really want an answer.

Except there is none is there.

suz said...

ouch. J, sometimes i have winced at your post or joys, feeling your individual pains, worried that your openess, while helpful for us cyber friends, could be difficult for each other. when joy wrote about her sibling post, my heart crinkled for her but i felt very protective of you. several times in reading it i thought "ouch" for you.

i feel strongly that it is important to be you, true to you, but be honest and real with joy. as moms, we learned our feelings did not matter, we were wrong, not worthy, not good enough. so we often put everyone else (husbands, children, adoptee) first and ourselves last.

we often dont even recognize our own feelings. its damn hard work to suddenly discover you matter, you always did and your are entittled to your feelings.

that being said, its important to express them (again, all just my opinion) to the others so they also understand.

struggling with something? tell them.
feeling sad? tell them.
not sure what you feel? tell them.
something make you angry? tell them.

through mutual sharing of feelings and respect a relationship can strengthen and grow.

i have had MANY difficult exchanges with my daughter. but each time we do, i feel we are stronger. i fear those exchanges (what if she leaves me?) but once I muster up the strength, get real, and am true to myself, we are better off.

big hugs. feel free to write me privately if i can ever help with anything.

Joy said...

You do make me feel loved, even when I am being awful.

Thank you.

I hope I make you feel loved too.

kim.kim said...

I think Joy knows you love her. I don't want to give advice, don't feel qualified.

I think she needs to have a proper welcome back to the clan ceremony, a reclaiming your daughter ritual.

Umbilicly Challenged said...

Perhaps I am not understanding and I certainly do NOT want to be mean at all, but aren't your children and their wellbeing supposed to come before all? Before your husband, before you? Why is this taking so long? I don't understand why Joy is not completely and fully integrated in your family? What is the problem? I am not trying to be an arsehole, I just have missed the boat here!

Why is Joy kept from her siblings?

I do not understand. My mother does the same thing. What the hell?

You grew us. You had us. You are me, I am you. Why aren't we just the same as your other kids? It makes me feel as if I am fucked up when my mother does not treat me like HER child, but a...someone else's child. I am not. I am HER child and Joy is YOUR child. How long has it been? It has been long enough.

I don;t understand I don;t undrestand I don't understand.This triggers me SO MUCH :(

dammit! I am sorry. I don't want to be a jerk but WTH?

Maybe because we are from different generations. But Joy's and my generation doesn't accept denial as a form of coping?

Umbilicly Challenged said...

Oh crap! I am officially an angry adoptee, aren't I??

Umbilicly Challenged said...

I am really sorry for those posts. I am taking out my anger for my mother on you and I shouldn't. Please forgive me <3