Monday, November 06, 2006

Oh God

Let's be friends. I just read Suz's post about religion which aroused some unfinished business here in me. When my boyfriend's mom found out I was pregnant, she pulled us over for some advice. She had been overtly hostile to me before I was pregnant. Now she was insisting that we must be wed, in the (Catholic) church, so that "the baby" would be legitimate. Immediately after the birth, we'd get an annulment. That was the last time I saw her.

Months later at the adoption agency I was asked about my religious preference. Anything but Catholic. My baby was not going to have to put up with the kind of mothering I'd seen from boyfriend's mother.

Decades later I was told that boyfriend's sister wanted to adopt our baby but wasn't allowed to due to my no Catholics restriction. Ironic twist of honoring my wishes, eh? IF that's true, why couldn't they have talked to me, say before I signed the papers?

So there's still anger here. There's still hurt. I want to come to acceptance. I want to know they were doing their best without judging their best as pathetic. I want to accept how much it hurt --That their best, doing what they thought was right, was so wrong to me. I felt so alone -- wrong and wronged.

Misunderstanding. I forgive myself for judging myself for being hurt.


Joy said...

It's okay to say certain things are a bunch of crap, fun even, try it!

"What a bunch of crap, I had to put up with!"

Being Me said...

You make me laugh so wonderfully. "What a bunch of crap I had to put up with!" What a bunch of crap I had to put up with... That's so much more fun than feeling sorry and shame full. What a bunch of crap I had to put up with!

suz said...

ah, now it all makes sense. we were not so far off in the cahotlic position after all....

Anonymous said...

All the false morality is a bunch of crap. And it breaks my heart that this what people focus on in religion - not hunger, or poverty, or discrimination and racism, or genocide. No, we choose to pick on people who have committed the great "sin" of creating life.

I am Catholic, yes. But I thank God that I've found a community that has helped me see that society's work should be taking place in the world, not the world's bedrooms. For all who have suffered at the hands of the false morality of some in the Catholic Church, I offer my deepest apology.

Being Me said...

Yes, Suz, we are not very far off on several things. Thank you for putting your thoughts out for us to learn and grow from.

third mom -- "Catholic" covers a lot of ground. I was raised with judgments against the hierarchical structure of priestly intervention etc. then married into a Catholic family and have expanded my views. Fortunately God is EVERYWHERE.

Maui said...

Just a thought here as I lurk from time to time, giggling and shaking my head at the lack of responsibilty and cultivation of said behavoirs makes my life SEEM better. I also understand that I will receive the "Wrath of Joy" (that's funny) by speaking up (even though I am an adoptee that has come to grips with being adopted and we know I MUST be crazy if that's happened). So here goes: Here's one thing that helps/helped me reconcile some of my misdeeds, mistakes and down right selfish actions. I look to the source of the situation and my set of choices and the set of consequences that followed those choices. Instead of blaming someone down the line in the consequences phase, I try to work it back to the beginning. For example and highly hypothetical, Regardless of what my church teaches or my parents drilled into me, I decide to have sex with someone I am not married to and I am sure will not take care of me anyway. I am also pretty certain that my parents are gonna freak out and may do some irrational thing like think of the well being of the baby I MAY produce by having UNPROTECTED sex with a man I am not married to. The latter being a consequence not a choice. But for the rest of my life I blame THEM for MY actions. Convenient but not logical. The reason why need to take it back to the beginning is that I can only reconcile with myself. I can forgive me for my trespasses (sorry for the Bible reference) and work, my whole life if neccesary, to rectify that by volunteering at an orphanage where there are alot of "consequences of action" that need my love and compassion or I can sit in my guilt, shame and remorse til I die beating up those who I feel harmed me. Just a thought and as much as I am disliked around these folks I hope you can look past that and see there is hope. But there is is only hope when you forgive youself and move on. Just a thought.

Joy said...

Maui said:

I MAY produce by having UNPROTECTED sex with a man I am not married to.

Please Maui, do not have unprotectd sex, esp. in this day and age! But it is doubtful you will get pregnant.

Of coure you lurk, of course you giggle and shake your head, you are trying to make sense out of your own situation.

Funny, I never have the impulse to see what you are up to.

Maui said...

Did I write this to you? Did I write to the wrong blog?

So self absorbed.

Being Me said...

Maui, I am glad we can help you see your own life in a more positive light. One of my rules is to use everything to your upliftment,learning and growth.

So yes I agree,the only choice I really have is to forgive myself and move on. Funny that you didn't get that from what I wrote? I have a lot to learn about communicating and not skipping over things that seem too obvious to me. I've been discovering things that had been held in my consciousness. Things that had been held mostly from blaming myself for allowing myself to get hurt and hurting others. I consider this a safe place to get them out and look at them. Getting them out, looking at them helps me to let them go, forgive and move on.

Joy does have a remarkable and insightful sense of humor as well as a very loving nature. I'm lucky to have her in my life.

BTW, I love Bible references. It's a great book.

Being Me said...

Oh and yeah, you got the right blog. It's about a mother and child reunion

ani said...

I am so confused about relegion,, I am catholic and I want to become a wiccan,, now if that is not confusing then I have no idea what is,, actually funny.

and yes say it with me,,,

"those people really sucked.!!! sucked rocks,, they suck rocks"

i like to say things suck rocks,, and you know what that did. I am so sorry,, what is wrong with people that they can be so selfish.