WE come and we go. Except I keep coming over and over. I don't really care about adoption in general that much. I come to see what's going on in Joy's life, mind and heart. How is she feeling? What is she thinking about? She is so clever.
Most of the time I turn to the links on her page to see what she may have been reading -- reading others' thoughts and feelings.
I've been looking at a pattern I've had of trying to fix things/people up. I've not been very successful with that. It's gotten a bit crazy in fact -- Trying to fix things up. It's very much like that Joni song she quoted, plus sputtering and sparking emotions.
My "productivity" has really fallen off, as I sit reading and wondering and checking again. (Is this properly taking care of myself? I think so actually.) I've discovered an addiction to information. I google the things she refers to because I want to know what she knows. I want to keep up with her, to understand what she has to say, what she thinks.
Reading about "open" adoption tripped some thoughts. If I had known of open adoption -- If it had been mentioned as an option -- I can't imagine taking it. If I'd considered it, I think it would have led me to not relinquish. Given the opportunity to consider actually being any part of her life, the possibility of contact -- I don't think I could have taken just one sip. If I had known where she was I don't think I would have left them alone.
Even though I'm not getting much done lately out in the world, I'm expanding inside. I'm realizing I'm not going to fix it up at all. That's not an option. I am learning to watch and listen to myself. I'm learning to sit with the things that set me off balance.
And I'm talking again. Right after relinquishing I talked about her to everyone, looking for a way to cope with the loss. I learned there was not help for me that way. It's different now, because she is in my life. Grieving still goes on. There is also growth in our relationship going on.
Learning that my experience is similar to others has given me validation and confidence to communicate my experience, my reality, to people who had no idea that I have another daughter. I'm finding that people love to hear about her. They feel honored when I share my feelings and experience and love for her. It's another way of including her in my life. It's indirect. But I can do it anytime, anywhere.