I do. I care. I lie and I care. I try to catch my lies and come to the truth. I love to watch the TV program House, where the main character, Dr. House is chronically pointing out how much people lie and how it does or doesn't serve them. He is shameless and consciously purposeful with his lies and I love that. And when he discovers his lies are not serving him he investigates to find out how that works.
I want to be ruthless, to root out lies and self deception.
In my early morning reverie that connected somehow to abandonment, justification and control issues. A post formed in my mind that seems to have evaporated this evening. I'll go on anyway.
A dear friend said, "Control is the master addiction". I see my efforts to control boil down to fear of abandonment, fear of being alone.
We're all afraid of being alone sometimes. That's abandonment. It spreads out to everyone. It's a function of our egos, our minds and emotions. Part of trying to control it is having a good reason for it. Some of us have very good reasons, elaborate stories, really valid reasons, justification for being scared. Sometimes we don't even know the story. We don't have a reason. But you know, when you're afraid of being alone, you don't always need a reason.
I love feeling like I belong, being a loved member of a family or community. It buoys me up. It's fun. I love connecting. But when I lie in order to insure my connection, it becomes false and desperate, dissatisfying. That's why I want to be ruthless. It takes time & courage to go inside and find out what I'm lying about, but it's very satisfying.
I have two people in my life that have "abandonment issues" including issues with my insensitivity to their abandonment issues. But sometimes I think all issues are "abandonment issues". We just try to maintain our control by pretending they're something else. It takes time and courage to be still and hold to our connection.
God Bless you. I love you. Peace, be still.
12 comments:
Seems the apple does not fall far from the tree. I find myself very jelous reading about you. Wouldn't Joy just die if she knew I was jelous of her.. hugs to you both.
is there an opposite of abandonment issues? fear of being alone? must be, right? maybe its fear of intimacy. I personally prefer to be alone. Is that odd? I really am very comfortable, very content on my own, doing my own thing. Its other people that infringe on that peace.
Odd.
I think the opposite of feeling abandoned is feeling at one with all -- mystical.
I spend a LOT of time alone, comfortably, on my own terms, in a place I feel I belong.
Perhaps it is more important to ask what it is that you do when you are alone; what is it you are thinking/feeling when alone? Can being alone be almost an addiction to avoid intimacy - a way of disassociating with reality? Or is it a way of providing respite or balance from reality in order to more fully cope with it? Maybe all the above or none of the above????
I know who you are talking about!
But I don't agree with one aspect, the aspect that it comes from nowhere, it comes from somewhere, and yes we all have it to one extent or another, I know where mine comes from, but am inclined to believe that other's have their reasons too. But WHAT Are they?
Could be helpful for their salve.
Leroy-- For me it's definitely not avoiding intimacy. I imagine some may that be avoiding reality. I experience being alone as a kind of intimacy. Sometimes being around people avoids intimacy. Reality? That's a good question -- almost like what is truth?
Joy-- I agree it does come from somewhere. Knowing where can help us. I have to go on without knowing sometimes.
Then it must be intimacy with one's self if you are alone? Each adoptee's blog I have come across has experienced a degree of trauma over being "let go" by their birth parents. I believe it this does create an identity crisis for many - many may be in denial but at sometime in their life, it bubbles up and the trauma caused may lead to a disassociation. If severe enough, it may even lead to some kind of disassoicative identity disorder also known as multiple personality disorder where a person's identity is fragmented. Certain "triggers" cause people to switch into different fragments - like a birthday might or adoption day or possibly a sensory image, smell, touch, song. Many times, disassociative identity disorders are not diagnosised properly. People are treated like they have bipolar or schizophrenia, medicated with no affect. It takes a lot to integrate the various parts of a person's identity...I am not insinuating that anyone who reads this may have disassociative identity disorder (D.I.D.) but something to be aware of.
Leroy,
I'm a little confused about your comment. Maybe my original post isn't as clear as I thought.
Yes when I talk about intimacy when I'm alone, it's an inner experience -- (with)myself.
I agree about adoptees being traumatized by abandonment. I didn't mean to be making light of it, just exploring my own experiences.
Disassociating... fragmentation. I've seen a little bit of that. I am blessed with a tendency towards wholeness and inclusion (aside from the huge bunch of crap I had to put up with re my adoption trauma).
Being Me...I went off on a "tangent" with the D.I.D. stuff. I sometimes do that when writing or thinking. It may pertain in some small degree or not at all. When we can be at peace with one's self, it is a beginning to being at peace with others. Some days, as you know, are more difficult than others to find any peace. Life does not seem to afford enough time for people. I do think it is healthy to "stop the train" of life every once in awhile; to look back at where we have been; to see where we are; and to plan where we want to go or be. I am referring primarily to relationships like a mother - daughter. Those relationships that never were, but maybe today in some form and where we would like them to be in the future. What would that look like/the best that can be hoped for and what would it take to get there? Lots of ironing to smooth out the wrinkles to be sure. Did I just go off on another "tangent"? :)
Yes and a lovely one too.
Well thank you and I also thank your daughter for sharing with me who you are. It helps me put a few pieces together. I can see some obvious similarities now. You both articulate your feelings well of which many are closely "related". She is her mother's daughter to be sure :)
You both are very fortunate to have found each other...and we are fortunate that read your blogs to learn from you both. For sharing so much of yourselves, I owe you a heartfelt "thanks!".
Make that both of you - a heartfelt thanks :))
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