Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Searching

I was found almost seventeen years ago. I never took the concrete physical steps to look.

Over a week ago I looked for the Childrens Home Society on the Internet. I found a listing near the city I "signed the papers" in. I wrote down the address and the phone number, thinking I'll probably have to write to make an official request for information. But it would be faster to phone. Joy told me the limited information she'd been able to retrieve about her early life was not what I'd been promised. She wondered why I didn't know what had happened. Reading about other's searches finally spurred me to ask myself what happened? For a long time I thought there was no reason to ask about the past. I know where she is now.

But maybe there is a reason to look into the past.

It took me at least a week to make the time to phone. I mean I meant to do it yesterday but just didn't get around to it. Today it was definitely on my to do list. As the day wore on it became apparent that I was procrastinating, avoiding it. It was a time to assert myself, to take care of my self-- the one that was powerless and had given up when no help was forthcoming. It's time for me to ask, to say what I want.

So I called the number and got a menu for child care referrals. I hung up instead of pressing 1 or 2. I wasn't prepared to tell someone processing requests for childcare that I want to know what really happened to the baby girl they took so many years ago. I'll have to look around for a better phone number. This is harder than it looks.

3 comments:

Joy said...

I googled them to recently, I regret getting rid of my original documents. But I coulnd't find any info that related to CHS and adoption, it seems they are out of the business.

It is funny, I can only recently say that name, Children's Home Society, without feeling like Harry Potter must feel when he says Voldermort.

suz said...

awww, yes, i know that anxiety. but i also know what it feels like to find the voice you lost so long ago. take back your power. big hugs.

MaeDay said...

J,

It was a little difficult for me to seek out the "official" info too. Some of it was also because like you , I'd already been contacted by child. More of though, was an uneasy feeling I had no claim to it.

Have to say though getting the relinquishment papers, adoption papers, medical info. was very empowering. Looking at the black and white written ink of it, made me realise I was a real mother to this adopted child. I was a real human being, an adult, who had a right to ALL information about my own pregnancy,childbirth,
relinquishment experience, story, etc.

Don't give up on getting it. Having it will make you feel better. As suz said, take back your power, get back that piece of yourself you feel disconnected from.

joy...

It's still hard for me to voice, 'The Boston Children's Service'. It is a defunct agency now too. Worse, it's record keeping was placed in trust with, 'The New England Home for Little Wanderers'. OMG, I threw that envelope away when I got my records. That name makes me want to vomit, gives me the shivers.God only kmows how the children entrusted to that place must feel about the name of it.