Thursday, August 17, 2006

Ouch

Still getting over the self consciousness, what if somebody sees me. I keep reminding myself that no one really knows who I am, except Joy. And I don't want to hide myself from her. So it's ok. It was a shock to see a picture of her father today. I'm only partially settled with him. A part of me is still raging. He used to call me on her birthday, for about 4-5 years, till I told him to stop. We had nothing else to do with each other. I just couldn't slip into a sweet sad reminisce with him. There was too much anger and anguish in me.

Back to my previous story. The plan I came up with was to wait until she was 12 years old. That seemed like an appropriate age. And I would contact the adoption agency, tell them to let her know, or her parents know, that I was available, if she ever needed me for anything. In the meantime I got interested in trying to heal the earth, children in general. And trying to figure out how to have, when to have children I could keep. I got married. Coincidentally (?) my second born arrived months before Joy's 12 birthday. I was completely involved with my baby boy. I didn't even leave the house for three weeks. I didn't leave his side for six months. I didn't do anything that I sensed could in any way jeopardize my connection with him. It was a rare person that had the audacity to ask to hold him. They were lucky to be able to watch me hold him.

I forgot about contacting the adoption agency. It was too risky. This is where I anticipate the rush of hate mail and being castigated. Maybe stoning. I abandoned her again. I chickened out. I did it over and over, trying to protect what I had. Avoiding the pain.

5 comments:

Joy said...

Nobody wants to stone you, you have been through hell, so have all these people, that's why we are here.

Being Me said...

That is pretty melodramatic. I surprise myself, caught between my stiff upper lip and ...

kim.kim said...

Nobody would stone you.And we wouldn't let them. Did you "forget" or did you get absorbed. Or did you put it off. Even if you had contacted the agency it's unlikely they would have passed your message on.

Miss Keeks said...

She was 12--most agencies don't deal with people till they're 18.
Personally, I think it's great that it was your intention at all.

suz said...

You have already been "stoned" (they took your baby from you) and you survived. Anything here in cyberspace pales in comparison to losnig your first born.

The bdad issues are complex. I found dealing with reunion and my daughter easier than I did dealing with him. Different challenges, different kind of loss, different kind of pain and grief. Least for me. Add to that, the drama reuniting with bdad caused to my own marriage, ....sigh...